Few days ago, something struck me. I have been thinking
about what I have been doing. I think I have been running away all my life.
Once I have told my friend that I have problem in making
commitment. I never had serious relationship for more than six months. I don't
like to buy anything using credit because I don't know whether I will be able
to pay it or not. I didn't exactly know how to react to my former boss after I
spill everything that had been bothering my head and I ended up crying in front
of him.
Probably, the desire to runaway also made me seems to have
no ambition for people around me. When I saw my younger brother kept his pocket
money in order to pay his guitar lesson, I was a little jealous. I wish I have
that determination. A determination that will make me willing to sacrifice
something to get what I want. Since having no ambition means that I don’t have
to make any sacrifice, isn't it a perfect getaway from pain?
Now that I've realize that, a new question arise. How long
will I keep running away?
It has been five months since I landed in the United States.
My summer class is approaching to its end. So many plans left undone. Due to my
laziness? Perhaps.
One said that the true color of a person will come forward when this person is
away from his/her comfort zone. If it says what it means, than my true color
should be appearing by now.
The questions that were lingering in my head since 19 years ago surfaced. Where
do we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go when we die? (These three
questions come from one of Dream Theater song, one of my favorite band of all
time, even though this song might not been created by that time). Some say that
life on earth is like stopping by in a long journey. It will fly by so fast
just like that. I guess it's true at some points. I barely believe that I am
over 30. Some say that nothing in this world is real. None of these are yours.
Then what are we fighting for? Why do we need to put so many efforts on what we
do?
One of my best friends asked me about how I want to die. Well, I want to die
surrounded by my family. Another thing that I want is that I don't want to
leave any debt when I leave this world. It does not necessarily related with
money though. I believe that God has a purpose in its every creation. Well, I
am one of His. There must be a purpose for me to be here. I know I've been
saying that if I could not understand my purpose now; there will be time when I
can understand all of His intentions. But I feel lost right now. Other says
that it's OK to be lost once in a while; you'll find your way in the end.
Well may be... all these confusions... because I listen to others too much...
It's halfway of my first Spring semester here in St. Ambrose university, Davenport, IA. I think I still haven't got my priority straight. Got to do the"right thing". I think I messed up a lot of thing. There are many thing I should be working on... my priority... my English... my reading... my writing.... Have been complaining too much... I became the person I hate...
When things seem getting worse... I got a letter of admission offering from University of Texas at El Paso. I think God is testing me. I said before I will take the school that give my the offer first, and SAU did. Or is it God's way of letting me know that I have the potential?
